The Silent List

there is a list I keep

that means nothing to you

although you may judge me on it

the names you have not heard 

are carved in the notches on my soul’s bedpost (pretentious, but it stands)

these names brought me a little joy

or better yet a lot of pain

all gave me the most amazing gift one person can give another

something to learn. (cheesy, but I believe it)

maybe sometimes I need to learn the same one a few times

but,

try to think of sexual relationships like math problems

complex, frightening, tons of little signs you aren’t quite sure about…

how many times did you have to attempt for x?

math I get, but being completely attached and satisfied in love?

I will figure it out.  (eventually)

Hello Cyberland

It is me again.  Remember?  

I used to bother you all the time with my problems and concerns because I found it easier to talk to you than to talk to live people or ignore the problem.  I suppose you are that middle ground.  

You are a sort of narcissists diary.  

I spill my guts in the dark of the night, never wanting my mother to find out, but with the secret hope that someone will read and understand or think I am cool, mainly because I understand and think I am cool but still need someone to reaffirm my belief.  

Like leaving my journal open on a table at Starbucks and watching people who read it's reaction from across the lobby.

Why am I always more honest with you, my dear Cyberland?  It isn't that you don't talk back -- you do, and in fact, I want you to.  I don't understand why, but your little notes left under the names of people I often don't know or haven't actually seen in years, warm my heart.

Perhaps, at four am, in a person's brain that is constantly keeping things to itself, there needs to be some relief.  

Thank you for being the blood thinners to my constantly thought pulsing brain.  And thank you for being worldwide, so that at least you have not changed since we last met in the little computer alcove in Scappoose when I was 19.  

Perhaps our reuniting proves that I haven't either.